Contents
What is Kokuhaku?
The direct translation of Kokuhaku is love confession; practically it means asking to be in a relationship. So basically, it is the same as “Would you be my girlfriend/boyfriend?”, that type of conversation. You can say, “Suki desu (I like you). Tsukiatte kudasai (Would you be my girlfriend/boyfriend?)”. If your date says yes, you two are now boyfriend and girlfriend. You must never say Aishiteru (I love you) when you do Kokuhaku. The word Aishiteru is too much for Kokuhaku, and your date may get overwhelmed.
When is the best time for Kokuhaku?
Have you heard of “The 3rd date rule” ? In Japan, people say, “You need to do Kokuhaku on the 3rd date”, “It’s the 3rd date, I will do Kokuhaku to her tonight!”, or “If your date doesn’t do Kokuhaku on the 3rd date, the person may not be seeing you in a romantic way”, etc. A survey targeting women in their 20s and 30s found that 57.7% of the women considered that Kokuhaku should be done on the 3rd date, and it reached 77.5% in total of the women who answered that Kokuhaku needs to be done by the 3rd date. Only 11.7% of the women considered Kokuhaku on the 6th date or after as the best time.
Now you might think, “Isn’t it way too early to start a relationship on the 3rd date? You won’t know the person well by the 3rd date”. To answer your question, I need to explain the concept of “being in a relationship” in Japan. Japanese still say, “Don’t sleep with someone before starting the relationship, otherwise you won’t be able to become a girlfriend”. Nowadays, more and more people have the Westernized idea, putting more value on sexual compatibility. However, I would say, not having sex before making the relationship official is still a common mindset in Japan. It might be because the Japanese see Kokuhaku as drawing a line, that is not a casual relationship like friends with benefits.
Then, how would you judge if the person is comparable if you become official that early? Well, the concept of being in a relationship in Japan includes ‘Talking’ ‘Dating’ and ‘Exclusive’. So you don’t need to be afraid of doing Kokuhaku and becoming boyfriend and girlfriend even if you aren’t sure about the relationship on the same level as ‘Being in a relationship’ in Western culture. You can do Kokuhaku if you like the person and see the future potential. However, you need to know that it will be considered cheating if you are seeing or talking to somebody other than your girlfriend or boyfriend after Kokuhaku in Japanese culture too. It is okay to see other potential dates before Kokuhaku.
Do you always need Kokuhaku in Japan?
I would say, it depends on whether your date has experiences of dating non-Japanese who grew up outside of Japan or knows Western dating culture. If your date is familiar with the Western dating culture, Kokuhaku is not essential. However, in my opinion, most Japanese would be happy if you do Kokuhaku even if your date knows the Western dating culture, because, 1. Making the relationship clear with words brings relief, 2. Seeing their courage and efforts for Kokuhaku is simply nice and thoughtful. Of course, girls can do Kokuhaku too, especially on Valentine’s Day in Japan, but boys are the ones who make it happen usually.
How to do Kokuhaku?
Let’s talk about 3 date plans. If you are new to this culture, you may have no idea about the date scenarios. I’ll say, the first date is for checking the compatibility or vibes in general and seeing if you want to see them again. The second date would be getting to know each other deeply, spending longer time than the first date. On the third date, you need to make sure that the date has a good time with you, and if you feel the same, it will be a good time to do Kokuhaku at the end of the date. So, the first date could be having a cup of coffee or lunch at a cafe, or casual dinner at a restaurant or izakaya (Japanese pubs). The second date could be a day date, something like having lunch together plus going to a zoo or aquarium, for example, or a day trip somewhere by driving or train. Ohanami (a cherry blossom viewing) is a good option for spring, and a summer festival is nice for summer. Going to see autumn leaves can be a good reason for a day trip in fall, and Christmas market or Christmas lights events are romantic for winter (Christmas is more romantic event in Japan). The third date could be going to a little fancy restaurant for dinner and then, inviting your date to a quiet bar, a park for a little walk, a place where you can see a good night view, etc. for Kokuhaku.
One big difference between the dating culture in Japanese and Western culture is that the Japanese tend to separate their friendship and love relationship; introducing their date to their friends isn’t that common, and many Japanese people prefer to separate their romantic relationship and their friendship groups. So don’t worry even if your date refuses to join an event with your friends or your date doesn’t introduce you to their close friends. Conversely, if you invite the date to an event with your friends, especially before being official, the date may get confused if you see her/him as a potential date or a friend.
Because of what I explained, the next date could be a little ahead if they already have a plan for the coming weekends with friends. But, it isn’t always a sign of “I’m not interested in you” as long as she/he gives an alternative date to see you. As you know, many Japanese people work late, so your date may want to set up a date to see you on the weekends, not on the weekdays. In that case, the next date could be a little ahead. As far as I know, many non-Japanese people put more value on spending time together even for a short time on weekdays, while I would say, Japanese prefer a proper date especially before making the relationship official. So, don’t overthink and don’t worry too much as long as the person agrees to make a plan with you, opening up their availability.
Hope this helps your understanding of the Japanese dating culture more deeply. Please note that this is just one personal opinion of mine, and everything will depend on your date in the end! Communication is always a key to avoid misunderstandings!